Divorce

When I wrote my book Survive and Thrive after Trauma in 2012 a section shares interviews with those now thriving after an emotional challenge.

Those I interviewed who shared their message will have continued along their path of increased learning and self-awareness, self joy and the ups and downs of being alive in the 21st Century. We are not alone; should we choose we can learn from others, take and use information generously shared, be encouraged and in some cases enlightened.

Divorce When we meet as parents, we can discuss the children in a civil manner and most of the time we both want the same thing for them. There is agreement about that at least. Those short meetings can make me feel good but at no time have I wished to be back in the relationship. I know it is much better now, being apart.

Health point of view

I have put on weight so that may show that I am happier. I was underweight before and assumed that was just me. But I then realised that I was probably living on adrenalin and nervous tension. I don’t eat any more food now than before, but people are very positive about how I look with regard to the gain in weight.

I have always believed I am a strong person but sometimes I don’t know how I managed to find my way through the distressing times. Others have crumbled and fallen in similar situations.

Q. What might have helped you get through it?

Work was the answer. I throw myself into work and do what I need to do. I maintain and keep a good relationship with my clients. I may do a bit of burying my head in the sand. Nowadays I don’t have to go into the office regularly and put on a brave face, I just seem to have sorted my way through it all.

Although things are improving, we share responsibility of the children. The children share their lives between us. This seems to work as well as can be expected. However, it does not make me happy. I would like to have my children with me every day. On the mornings when I wake up and they are not with me, it saddens me. That’s my loss in this horrible situation.

But my life is somewhat easier because I do have some respite. My older child is a teenager and finds the set-up quite stressful. The younger child is still quite young and adapts better to the situation. So from that point of view, sharing is easier. It is a situation where we have been able to accommodate the needs or wishes of our children. I am becoming more used to our set-up. I have a routine.

I have discussions with my older child, stating that I love them both totally. I share my hopes for them and I hope to reassure. I try to reach out – to reinforce those facts. We both love our children. However, sharing my children is not being a complete mother in my opinion. But it is my situation.

Re: Men and other relationships.

It would be nice to go out with someone to the cinema, for a drink, a meal but without all the other stuff such as:

• the starting again
• telling the life story
• discussing the baggage.

So I am not looking for a relationship. I am happy on my own. Sharing time with someone would be nice but it’s not a deep need.

One thing I would like to be different is having an improved babysitting solution. I don’t have that at the moment and can feel restricted. My circle of friends is not greatly helpful in that respect. I would also like a social group of friends, something that does not require my needing a man. So it is learning, accepting and a hopefully improving situation.

Our marriage did not have domestic violence or anything ghastly like that. It simply wasn’t working. We could both have benefited from sorting this all out at least two years before we did. The financial situation caused us concern. Who leaves? Who goes first? Finally, it was the financial problems that allowed me to get out of the marriage.

Q. What are you doing now?

I enjoy Zumba because I realised that poor eating and drinking is not helpful in the long run. So I make time for Zumba and it helps me to feel better.

In the past I may have considered what my husband might say when I tried different things. I felt I had someone to please, to placate, to consider. And I don’t have that now. I can do something because I want to do something.

I’ve done things to my hair! Bought and wear new clothes and keep fit. It all boils down to feeling more confident. Baby steps. Finding me again. Confident and increasing my confidence. Anonymous