When pondering over which hard hitting realistic blog to write, the one about an alcoholic ruining your life was up there but I decided instead to share this chapter on Forgiveness from my book Survive and Thrive after Trauma .
Chapter on Forgiveness
”Forgiveness is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment.
OK, this is a real big one. If you know an unforgiving, bitter or resentful person, you can sense it in every fibre of their being, whether it is a set look on their face, the tone in their voice, or their body is literally showing signs of being bitter and twisted.
My difficulty to forgive was based on this… Our children should have been reason enough for my husband to tidy up his act; to stay alive. His children were the most important people in his life, or so I believed. In that respect, for a while, I equated his death to a form of suicide. I felt anger over that. Or was it pain and hurt?
For a client to consider being able to forgive is key in therapy. Being unable to forgive maintains a deeply held area of pain. To learn to forgive is huge and pivotal for growth transformation. Deep healing from within is necessary.
I have often considered that someone who is unforgiving feels absolutely justified in holding on to and nurturing their negative belief. But … you only remain in your own pain.
On this subject, Nelson Mandela says, ‘It’s like taking poison and expecting someone else to suffer.’
Louise Hay says, ‘It’s like being stuck in a prison of self-righteous resentment.’
So why keep ourselves in this prison? The person who caused us to feel this way probably forgot about it many moons ago. Yet we still harbour deep resentment.
To be unforgiving is extremely bad for physical, emotional and mental health. The release that is felt with forgiveness is monumental. I include a resource detailing ‘The Emotional Scale’ which highlights levels of emotion and where we vibrate on the scale. If you are unforgiving, you are basically vibrating moment to moment in the lowest possible state of being.
Frequently when working with a client I show them this resource and ask them to consider where they would place themself on the scale. If they are able to rise one level, it is truly remarkable how many others may also benefit.
Imagine if you are pleasant to someone and the result is that they feel good. They may be more pleasant to someone else … and so it goes on.
Dr David Hawkins, author of ‘Power vs Force: The Hidden Detriments of Human Behaviour’, maintains:
‘should one person raise their emotional level, it has a positive effect on a very large number of others.’
The refusal to forgive keeps you in a state of unhappiness and damages healthy well-being.
- does not require reconciliation with the person who harmed you
- does not mean you condone particular behaviour.
It is about letting go. Being free.
Being unforgiving is indeed a poison and very difficult to dispel. It is very difficult to make a shift without deep healing work. I recommend Matrix Reimprinting with practitioner guidance.
Question: Do you feel unforgiving toward someone? Is that feeling truly worthwhile for you?
Perhaps a very strong memory holds you in its power. Matrix work is excellent in shifting those destructive beliefs.
Clean based Question: Does the inability to forgive have a shape, colour or taste? What needs to happen between forgiving and resolution?”
The choice was mine, I chose to be kinder to myself; perhaps you can do the same?
My book Survive and Thrive after Trauma is available on Amazon, Amazon Kindle and on my website.
For more information on EFT, Emotional Healing and the opportunity to download my free MP3, check out Hampshire-EFT